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Sodding Slippery Stuff

Blog Date - 27 August 2013

You approach a roundabout in much the same way as countless others you've approached over the years. It's dry and warm and for the last 22 miles the road has been in good order and the tyres are warm and grippy. You notice the colour of the tarmac on the roundabout is different in one patch and experience tells you something is not quite as it ought to be.

You slow. Not a lot though. There's 2 cars and a HGV up your ass because being a safe sensible rider you're doing just a tiny little over 30 and not the expected 37-40 mph that the vast majority of the world seems to think is acceptable. On initial examination from afar the road looks like it is wet. Possibly a truck with a large puddle on it's roof has splashed as the centripetal force sends the puddle over the edge. Maybe there's a water bowser with a leak. Maybe there's a leak from a pipe under the road.

It's also possible it's diesel. Now that IS slippery stuff. But typically diesel spills are a lot smaller, this seems to cover a whole section of the roundabout and not the usual spray caused by over filled trucks. If this was a diesel spill of this magnitude I ought to have smelt it by now, the air is fairly still today. 

No...no I suspect it's water. All these thoughts have passed through my tiny little brain in a matter of 20 or 30 metres. I have to make a decision about my speed before I arrive at this curiously dark patch of road. I give myself about 20% extra leeway from how I'd normally take this particular junction in the rain. I'm acutely aware of the exceedingly aggressive Jaaaaaaaaaaaguar driver behind me but he'll have to be patient. I doubt this executive actually understands the concept of either falling off a bike or patience or what "hands free" kits are.

a road junction with the strange porridge type spillage across the road and markings
I approach from the right to find this at the junction. Eeeeew.

I get onto the stuff. 2 yards in and the front end slips. From my point of view the front end has washed out 4 feet to my left and I'm about to die under the wheels of a car made by middle class scousers in Halewood for wannabe Alan Sugar business executives from the countryside. In reality the front end skips and slips a few centimetres to the left and I skilfully and deftly control the slide. That or I'm just plain lucky enough to not actually fall off.

I park the bike on the broad footpath. I don't think I've poohed my pants. My heart is pumping so hard I can hear the blood rushing through my ears and I'm buzzing on adrenaline. What has caused my present state of hyper alertness?

I can't tell for sure, but there's a lot off it spread across this junction. I suspects it's a food product or food waste. It has a consistency of thick porridge or mashed potato, a curious and unpleasant smell and there's been at least 3 large bucket sized portions spread around. It smells like bad food, maybe it's school slops on the way to a pig farm? Without taking a sample that would be my best guess.  

a give way triangle painted on the road covered in a thick gloopy khaki substance
What is it? I don't know but it's not nice and very slippery.

It is a danger to road users. But, who do you call to report such a thing? Is it worth a 999 call? No-one is presently hurt. I don't know but I make a note to find out when I get home. Having looked into this I believe the correct number for reporting non-emergency issues is 101. I shall know better next time.

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